Pain before the Beauty

We were due August 5th. The 5th came and went with no activity at all. In fact, we spent the day in San Fransisco! I had been having contractions for about 2 weeks, but they weren't painful and I was discouraged when I went to the doctor on the 5th and found out I still hadn't dilated at all. So they had a plan to induce me the following Wednesday.

Wed, Aug 12th finally came and we went into the doctor at 9 am and they sent us over to the hospital to be induced. The minute they said those words my mind kind of shut down and I went into a very quiet place in my mind. We got to the hospital about 10:45, checked in, and more waiting began. They finally started the IV drip of pitocin about 4 pm and we just sat around, played cards and watched movies.

At 10 pm the midwife came in and told me they had decided to take me off the pitocin and give me a pill that would help to soften my cervix. (remember, it's my cervix that seems to be the problem here; my uterus is a champ!) It's a pill that is given every 4 hours until your cervix is soft enough, so again I felt a little discouraged knowing it could be many hours until I was on the pitocin again, but on the other hand if the pitocin wasn't doing anything it was time wasted anyway. At 11 pm I got the pill and an Ambien to help me sleep. It worked fast!!! I felt drunk; While we were watching Conan, I kept commenting on how BJ Novak looked like a midget!

At 4.45 am they came in and said my cervix was completely ready. The joy of that was short lived because as the midwife was examining me she said "I'm gonna help you out a little bit." I had no idea what she meant by that until sharp stabbing pains radiated through my body and I started shaking uncontrollably. It got more and more intense until she said "There, now you are at 3cm." She dilated me from a 0 to a 3 with her fingers, but the pain quickly went away. Honestly, I'm thankful she didn't tell me what she was gonna do before she did it.

I stayed awake watching "Birth Stories" on the Discovery Health Channel; whether that was a good idea or not i don't know. :) John was up by 6 and I was starting to feel a little pain by then, but it was completely manageable and I was still able to relax and breathe through each contraction. John and I had been practicing controlling my thoughts and relaxing for over 5 months because our wish from the very beginning was to have a completely natural childbirth. Getting induced was disappointing because we started out with drugs. Plus, pitocin tends to make labor a little more intense than natural labor. NOT because the pain is less but because in a natural labor the pattern of a contraction builds and then goes back down completely. While an induced labor the contraction builds, then only goes down about halfway, then builds again.

At about 9 am, Susan, my mid-wife, came in just to make sure everything was going okay. I was excited when I saw her because I had seen 3 or 4 times at the doctors office, and I really liked her. She seemed so confident and caring and straight-forward. I trusted her.

She checked me, and I was still at 3 cm. But told me she could stretch me to four. She decided to break my water and said it would speed up the whole process. I was discouraged about the dilation being at 3 still, but hopeful that the water breakage would speed it up.

Soon after that, my mom and sister had come back into the room. I was beginning to feel more intense pain, but I was still doing okay. My mom and Mary started playing cards on the couch, while John sat by my side and talked me through each contraction.

The pain kept getting worse with each passing one, until at 10 am I had to start moaning through each contraction. I felt like I was yelling, but John and Mary both said I wasn't. I was having contractions every 3 minutes that lasted for about 90 seconds each. That means that I had only 90 seconds between each one to relax and regroup. John said it looked as if I were falling asleep between each one. (John: Emily did incredible with this. For 5 months we had talked about regrouping between each contraction, and here she was getting so relaxed, she looked to be asleep. I couldn't be prouder!)

By 10:30 I decided I needed some help with the pain. I wanted to make sure I had some progress though before I took them because they were only effective for an hour and you could only get four doses. I knew that if I was still at 3 cm, then I wouldn't make it all the way to 10 without an epidural. I was hoping to be at 7 or 8 before I had anything at all. John went to the nurses station to ask them to check me. Jackie, my nurse, came in and checked me out. Again. At first she said I was still at four maybe a five. She told me she was going to leave her hand there during my next contraction. I guess this would let her know how strong my contractions were and it would also stimulate my cervix, and she said it would help to speed things up even more.

Again, I was disappointed at the progress but encouraged that things were going to speed up.

At 10:45 I couldn't take the pain anymore. John went to get Jackie, and she came into my room to give me some fentanyl. It's a narcotic that is supposed to dull the pain. It doesn't take the pain away, just takes the edge off so that you can relax a little easier; that's what they said anyway. The more you can relax, the quicker you will dilate. Jackie said she'd have to wait until my next contraction to give it to me so that the baby wouldn't get too much of it.

When my next contraction came she gave me the fentanyl and asked if I could feel it. I told her I couldn't feel any difference, but John said later that it helped me to relax.

About 10 minutes after she after left my contractions began to get really painful. John sat with me holding my hands and helped me through each contraction. In my mind, I was trying to focus on each contraction bringing me closer to the end, but the idea of an epidural began to creep in a little more with every one- although I still wasn't willing to give in just yet. Like I said, we had been "training" for this delivery for many months and we both weren't willing to throw in the towel.

For 45 minutes we went through this. 90 seconds of intense pain followed by 90 seconds of complete exhaustion.

At 11:30, I began to have the strong impulse to push. Just then Jackie walked in. I told her I had to push, and she said she wanted to see the progress I had made, but I definitely couldn't push. She didn't think there was anyway I could have gone from 5 cm to 10 cm dilation in 45 minutes.

But I did!

As soon as she checked me, she doubted herself and checked again. Then she said I could push! The relief was overwhelming. I had just gotten to the point where I felt I couldn't go on. My mom said her labor went extremely fast and when she reached 10 cm she felt something had to give. She felt either an epidural or pushing was in order!!! My experience seemed to be the same!


When I began to push, the pain became much more bearable. It was still painful, but it was a different pain. During the contractions right before I got to push were exhausting because I had to focus so hard on not pushing; Just being able to push was a huge relief. Holding back from pushing while everything in your body is trying to push s extremely uncomfortable, painful and very exhausting. Taking short quick breaths (kind of like panting) was the only way I was able to bear through it.

I think I surprised the nurse with how well I could push. She asked me if I was sure I'd never had kids before. That felt so encouraging to hear. With every push I imagined every last bit of strength focusing right onto the point of where I was pushing. I pushed for about 10 minutes before Susan came in to see the progress. She also made a comment about good I was at pushing. It felt good to hear.

The pain was still very intense, but it felt so good to push. Like I was made to do it.

I pushed for a minute every 3 minutes for 70 minutes. I remember several times feeling her move back up after I was done pushing. It felt I was taking two steps forward and one step back. Which frustrated me!

As Harper's head was coming out, Susan had to give me an episiotomy. She said these were very normal for fast births just like mine. I remember thinking that I would finally know if it's true that you can't feel when they cut you. You don't.

After two more pushes, her head was all the way out. The weirdest thing I felt during my whole labor was when her shoulders rotated out. I actually asked the midwife what was going on. It was the only time I thought I was going to burst open. She told me it was just her shoulders and there was nothing to worry about.

Right after that she said, "Reach down and grab your baby, Emily!" As I pulled her up and set her on my chest, her eyes were wide open, and I thought, "So this is what you look like." I made sure she was a girl, noticed she didn't have a conehead, she was not covered in that white waxy stuff, her hands and feet were peely, (from being a week overdue) and I decided that I thought she was pretty! :) Not all weird looking like a bunch of babies immediately after birth. I looked up at John and saw a couple little tears, and then he looked at me and gave me the sweetest smile. Then he said, "Hi, baby. I'm your daddy." She picked up her head and strained her neck to look back at him.

That moment gave me a glimpse into human kind. It was something that could never be captured in a movie, or song, or blog. The intensity is something that still overwhelms my heart a over a week later. I hope it continues to overwhelm me.

John cut her umbilical cord and we held her for about an hour.

The most relieving part of birth, the part that every woman can look forward to, was when the placenta came out. I instantly felt like I wasn't prego anymore!!! It was great news for someone who didn't enjoy being pregnant, like me.

Although our birth was not what we expected, we're both so pleased. Our biggest goal was to not have an epidural, and to keep myself under control. We accomplished them both.

It was piece of cake.

Almost.