let's talk about me

It's been 2 weeks and 5 days since Harper was born and I thought it was time to give an update on how I'm doing.

The good, the bad and the ugly.


Body:

Doing good. I'm healing well from my episiotomy and I rarely have pain. My skin is still sensitive on my stomach and when Olivia wants to walk all over me it hurts and I have to move her. I think she is catching the drift cause she lays on my legs now. :) For about 2 weeks all the muscles in my body were achy- felt like I got an ass whoopin'--I guess that's pretty much what happened. And getting used to the way my body looks after having had a baby is tough, but I have to remember I'm still not at my best yet. I just have to be patient. But again, things are going well in that department as well. It amazes me that a womans' body can actually heal from shoving a human out of your *gulp* bajingo.


Mind:

Also, dong well. I still have to control my thoughts, especially when I'm tired. That's when it's the hardest. When I'm exhausted and running on empty I get the most discouraged. I haven't felt the "I'm SO not equipped to be a mother" moment. -I know I will and I'll have many. I have had to battle the "John is a better parent cause Harper stops crying when he holds her" moments though. I guess that's kinds the same thing... and that's a slippery slope.


Heart:

This is where it gets a little tricky. I am doing much much better than I was, but whether it's crazy post pregnant hormones, wishing we could be home to share this with our families and friends, the lack of sleep, healing, hating breastfeeding or a combination of all, it's been rough. It was hard for me when Harper was first born because I thought I would love her the second I saw her. That overwhelming, crying your eyes out, love. And I didn't experience that. At all. She felt like a stranger to me. A stranger that put me in a lot of pain, stole all my sleep and made me uncomfortable for 9 months. I didn't have any regret, I just felt lost.

The breastfeeding was hell. It hurt and we were both learning how to do it. She needed to eat every hour and a half and it felt like it was all I did and it was very painful. Who would want to subject themselves to more pain?!? And the idea of me producing milk really weirded me out. I felt heferish-in the true sense of the word. Now at almost 3 weeks we are so much better and it isn't as challenging anymore. I still don't like it, but the perseverance paid off. It usually does. :)

I miss home more than I ever have. We anticipated that, I just want our family and friends to get to hold her, love her and hang out with her! There are SO many people that have yet to meet her and it just doesn't feel complete without her having met them. They all will, eventually and it will make it that much sweeter when they do.


To sum it all up, I don't feel as lost. We are figuring things out. When I look at her I see my Harper. Our daughter. She makes me heart smile.


And that love I was waiting for? It came. Just in littler pieces, over a longer period of time. But it's everything I thought it would be and as overwhelming as I hoped. There is no disappointment there. Or anywhere, for that matter.